A PERPETUAL CONFLICT I CAN’T ESCAPE
My fears are as conventional as most people’s; heights, depth of the ocean, closed spaces, and heaven forbid if I see an insect with wings, I’d simply pass out… However, the one thing that petrifies me to my bones, is change. Routine has taken over my life entirely and I have surrendered to it. My mind has been well tutored about every tiny detail of the daily, monotonous drill. I’ve reached a point where I know exactly what time of the day I’m going to drink the last sip of water or have the last bite of my meal. Anything slightly out of routine, and my body is in a constant state of anxiety. People say that robots are going to take over humans any moment. I think what we should worry about instead, is becoming one ourselves. But this isn’t about robots, or the future of mankind…
It is pretty ironic that the one thing that is constant throughout our lives is change, and no matter how often it takes place in mine, I’ll never get used to coping with it. Last night I stayed up till the sun came out. I couldn’t bare the thought of blinking my eyes at the least because I knew that the second I woke up, I had to make a life-altering decision that I wasn’t ready for. I really wanted to believe that it was for the best even though it would bring a full 180 degree shift in my life. I knew it would bring a wave of thrill but also make things uncertain. I have never been great at decision making. The thought of how I have to come face to face with it so soon, kept me up all night. It felt like the adrenaline you feel the night before a school trip, only excruciating.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how comfortable I am in my present life and how I have everyone that I need around me. Do I really need to walk down this road? Would it be worth it? I also couldn’t help but think about what my life would look like if I made this particular decision. What would I turn into and what would life show me that I haven’t already seen before. But that would mean leaving my old self behind and that is something I have to battle with every single day of my life — Letting go. I have a trait of attaching deep sentimental values to things, people, experiences, or even a way of life for most of it. All my life, I let fear drive the judgments that I make and yet, every choice I’ve ever made has led me to the life I live today. If asked, I couldn’t possibly think of anything to complain about. Regardless, there still exists a fear that stands between me and the life that I’m yet to live. Right now, it is ‘uncertainty’. When I think about it, my mind is flooded with questions, the answers to which can only be revealed depending on my willingness to take risks. ‘Will I be content with the choices I make?’ ‘Will I end up feeling like an outcast?’ ‘Will this step bring me closer to my goal?’ The thoughts are extremely unsettling to comprehend.
I often cope with such uneasy thoughts by avoiding the voices in my head. Perhaps, the only way to put my mind at ease is by liberating myself from normalcy and surrendering to change instead, because the questions are forever going to be a part of all the decisions that I make but the answer always lies in letting go.
